Post by Juan Hefe on Mar 28, 2009 11:14:17 GMT -5
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Legend:
Abner, Lady of the Grease Ring Announcer
"Filthy" Rich Burton
Barry Knight
Juan Hefe
Ted Tsavales
Big Bertha
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The crowd at the venerable Lady of the Grease goes crazy as two buxom women (a red-head and a blond) start going toe to toe in the mudpit. The battle is fierce and could go either way until the red head finally gains the upper hand and slams the blond down into the mud pit for the somewhat easy victory. Moments later, the bald headed announcer of the Lady of the Grease comes out and raises the red-head's mud covered arm in victory.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the bout at 45 seconds of the very first round, and still Sunday Night Mud Wrestling Champion of the World! Ginger!"
Ginger rips her arm out of the announcer's grip and shoves him down to the ground as she exits the pit. The crowd claps wildly until she is out of sight and start migrating single file to the bar. Once there, "Filthy" Rich Burton starts taking their orders while talking to Barry Knight who is sitting at one of the free stools.
"I love seeing a well behaved crowd, don't you Bar'?"
"They damn well better, right, unless they want ter end up hiney o'er tea kettle into the mud like that poor sap 'oo North and Southed off ter yer last week! Right!"
Burton chuckles and slams a beer down for the next customer (a trucker hat and wife beater wearing stereotypical redneck).
"That'll be six dineros foghat."
"Six dollars?!? Ah didn't even ax fo' a beer yo' fat oaf!"
Burton grunts and puts his hand to the side of his head, mimicking a phone.
"Hey Bar', this foghat thinks that he can come in here and escape the beating his daddy should've given 'im repeatedly when he was just a runt."
Knight smiles and also starts mimicking a phone.
"Wiv a Nanny Goat Race like that Rich, I'm bloody well not so sure foghat 'ere escaped any sort of beatin', especially 'round the Nanny Goat Race area."
'Foghat' takes off his trucker cap and stands toe to toe with Knight.
"Who is yo' callin' nanny goat yo' inbred sissy?"
Burton lunges over the bar and grabs 'Foghat' by the lapel, throwing him against the mirror in behind the bar and shattering it in the process. The other customers, getting agitated by the lack of beer flowing down their gullets but oddly exhilarated at the sight of two grown men fighting. Before any of them can get any closer to the bar, Knight steps in and pushes them back while behind him, sounds of bottles smacking heads and fists smacking faces can be heard.
"Nuffink ter see 'ere lads, right, just go hammer and tack to yor seats and a waitress will be over ter take yor orders."
From the mudpit, a loud voice brings the chaos at the bar to a sudden stop.
"Just what the bloody hell is going on here?!? I leave for two seconds and you idiots are thrashing my bar! Again!"
As an answer to this, Foghat comes sailing out over the bar and into the mudpit seating area. Moments later, Burton gets up and wipes glass shards and wood chips off his shirt.
"Hey, Don't Taze Me Bro. Foghat just came at me and I took him out, oldkore style. Ain't that right Bar'?"
Knight shifts around uncomfortably and shrugs.
"No way Rich, yor not bringing me into this. This were yor show all the way frough."
"You calling me a liar you cockney bastard? Cuz if you are..." Burton points to a gold laminated sledgehammer hung up over the bar. "...Betsy's gonna be gunning for ya."
The announcer takes off his sports coat and throws it down on the ground in frustration and begins walking towards the bar area, stepping on Foghat's abdomen in the process.
"This is the last straw you two! Everybody! Out! Refunds at the door!"
The customers grumble but start making their way back towards the ticket booth. Burton shrugs, hops over the bar and starts following them.
"Whatever you say boss man."
The announcer shoves Burton in the chest.
"Where the hell do you think you're going Burton? You and Knight are erp...!"
Burton grabs the announcer by the lapels and lifts him off the ground.
"Did you just threaten me little man?"
The announcer continues squirming in Burton's grasp as Knight moves in to try to diffuse the situation.
"Let 'im dahn Rich, yor gonna cop us fired again and I'm bloody well not about ter go beggin' for me Uncle Bob hammer and tack at the Studly Slice."
The door at the front of the club slams open, nearly coming off its hinges. All three Lady of the Grease employees (some more permanent than others) turn towards the sudden noise in unison.
"We're closed !!!"
A huge man sporting what a appears to be a swat team outfit and large aviator sunglasses steps into the bar. From behind him another man wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt and black jeans steps out.
"Don't think of me as a customer, think of me as your ticket back to the show."
Burton tosses the ring announcer aside and wipes his eyes.
"Hefe? What in the holy hell are you doing here?"
Juan Hefe pulls out two pieces of legal sized paper from his jacket and starts walking towards his former colleagues.
"What I've got here is contracts for you and Barry to come back to Vegas and fight as Sledgehammer Justice again."
Ted Tsavales takes off his sunglasses (!) and also pulls out something from his jacket, a huge bag of candy.
"And that's not all. If you guys come with us, I promise to share my Jelly BellyTM loot with ya!"
Hefe smacks his forehead.
"Lands alive Ted, couldn't you stop with the damn candies for 5 minutes?"
Burton takes the contracts and hands one over to Knight.
"Is this a full time gig Hefe? Bar' and I are pretty busy here at the Lady. Ain't that right Abner?"
Abner picks himself off the ground and gets in Hefe's face.
"Ha! If you think those two clods are going to just up and leave this place without giving me two weeks notice and pay for these damages tonight, you're dreaming in technicolor buddy!"
Hefe wipes the spittle off his face and reaches into his coat again, pulling out a wad of bills.
"Listen, Abner is it? I'm not here to make enemies so take this pile of cash and go away. Sound fair?"
Abner's eyes go round as saucers when he sees the money. Within an instant, he snatches it and is about to start counting when Burton grabs him by the shoulder and turns him toward the bar.
"Before you start counting your blessings Abs, that sledgehammer is mine and I want it. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm asking you for it, I'm going to go and grab it."
Abner nods, his eyes still on the money.
"Yeah sure, whatever you need Rich."
Burton hops up onto the bar and steps one leg over to the shelving behind it, straddling the gap behind the two. With a hard yank, he pulls Betsy off the board and kisses the head, causing more damage to the bar area in the process.
"Now we're talking! Let's get the hell out of here boys!"
Burton jumps off the bar and lands beside Tsavales, who is busy eating his Jelly Belly'sTM.
Knight places a hand on Abner's shoulder and shakes his hand with the other. The LotG manager/announcer doesn't even look up from the wad of cash in his hands.
"It's been a real peach Abner, right? I just wish we could stay 'round ter help yer tidy up."
Hefe and Burton each grab one of Knight's arms and start walking towards the door.
"You know what Barry? Let's just get out of here and let Abner count his money."
"Great idea Hefe, let's get while the getting is good."
The three start walking rapidly out the door when they hear a multitude of Jelly BelliesTM hit the floor.
"My Jelly BelliesTM!"
Hefe turns around and starts pulling on Tsavales' arm to drag him forward.
"Come on Ted, I'll get you some more. Later."
Behind the commotion, Abner has begun counting his money. His face turns into a mask of rage when he realizes that only the top and bottom bills are real money.
"Hey! What the hell are you trying to pull here?"
Knight stops cold and looks at Hefe
"The fake brass trick, then, mate? Is that the Mae West yer could fink of?"
"Finally the brit catches on, let's get out of here!"
But Abner will have none of it. Before anybody can move any further, he pushes a button underneath the bar and seconds later, steel shutters slam down over the open door and all the windows.
"You sad sacks aren't going anywhere. Beeeerthaaaaa!"
Big Bertha rumbles out of the side curtain and cracks her knuckles.
"WHAT IS IT ABNER. I WAS TANNING MY BACKSIDE." The beasts eyes survey the scene and they alight upon Rich Burton's rapidly whitening face. "YOU. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ABNER."
"Nuthin' Bertha I swear!" Burton lifts Betsy in front of him and motions for the rest of his mates to get behind him. "I'll hold her off boys, you make a run for it."
"Yer'd do that for us Rich?"
Before Burton can answer, Big Bertha rumbles forward and grabs Betsy out of his hands.
"Wait Bertha! Wait! Hefe has a contract in Vegas for you too!"
"I do?"
"Work with me here Hefe!"
"Oh! That contract! Yeah, yeah, of course! But it's not on me right now, I left it at my pad in Vegas!"
Tsavales looks up from the floor where he's busy picking up Jelly BelliesTM and popping them in his mouth.
"We do boss?"
"Yes. Ted. We do! And by the way, that is sickening Ted. You have no idea what's been on that floor."
Tsavales shrugs. "Five second rule boss."
Big Bertha shoves aside Burton and stands in front of Hefe.
"ENOUGH TALK. TAKE ME TO MY CONTRACT."
"Okay then, it's been a blast but we have to get motoring Abner!"
Abner slams down the pile of mostly fake cash and stomps his foot down.
"Now wait just a goddamn minute! I still need to get paid for all this damage and the loss of one of my biggest draws!"
"Them be the sh!ts in life Abner, you win some, you lose some. Now. Let us out or Bertha is going to work you over. Bertha?"
Big Bertha takes a single step towards Abner but before anything can happen, the diminutive manager cringes back and quickly pushes another button under another part of the bar. All the steel shutters rise back into their hidey holes.
"Ok, I give, you win."
Hefe claps the defeated man on the back.
"If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a businessmen Abner, is you have to learn how to rebound from defeats. And this here? It's a pretty big defeat. Toodles!"
In the parking lot...
Tsavales is still popping Jelly BelliesTM into his mouth when he stops and starts counting the people in the group.
"Hey boss, we got a problem. Not enough room in our tricked out HyundaiTM Accent."
Bertha pulls out a key chain and points it at a Monster Truck that is sitting in the parking lot. The truck has an elaborate paint job on it featuring Valkiries on the backs of dolphins doing battle with sea beasts.
"NOT A PROBLEM. I GOT MY OWN RIDE."
Tsavales looks upon the truck in the parking a log and begins drooling.
"Can I... Can I ride shotgun?"
"YOUR CHOICE SWEET THING, BUT YOU GOTTA SHARE THOSE. SEE YA LOSERS."
Bertha walks off with Tsavales towards the Monster Truck, leaving Burton, Knight and Hefe alone.
"Rich, I don't have a contract for Bertha. For all I know, she already has a contract with VCW."
"Not my problem Hefe, I just come up with the solutions, I'll leave the implementation to you and Bar'."
"Shotgan!"
Legend:
Abner, Lady of the Grease Ring Announcer
"Filthy" Rich Burton
Barry Knight
Juan Hefe
Ted Tsavales
Big Bertha
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The crowd at the venerable Lady of the Grease goes crazy as two buxom women (a red-head and a blond) start going toe to toe in the mudpit. The battle is fierce and could go either way until the red head finally gains the upper hand and slams the blond down into the mud pit for the somewhat easy victory. Moments later, the bald headed announcer of the Lady of the Grease comes out and raises the red-head's mud covered arm in victory.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the bout at 45 seconds of the very first round, and still Sunday Night Mud Wrestling Champion of the World! Ginger!"
Ginger rips her arm out of the announcer's grip and shoves him down to the ground as she exits the pit. The crowd claps wildly until she is out of sight and start migrating single file to the bar. Once there, "Filthy" Rich Burton starts taking their orders while talking to Barry Knight who is sitting at one of the free stools.
"I love seeing a well behaved crowd, don't you Bar'?"
"They damn well better, right, unless they want ter end up hiney o'er tea kettle into the mud like that poor sap 'oo North and Southed off ter yer last week! Right!"
Burton chuckles and slams a beer down for the next customer (a trucker hat and wife beater wearing stereotypical redneck).
"That'll be six dineros foghat."
"Six dollars?!? Ah didn't even ax fo' a beer yo' fat oaf!"
Burton grunts and puts his hand to the side of his head, mimicking a phone.
"Hey Bar', this foghat thinks that he can come in here and escape the beating his daddy should've given 'im repeatedly when he was just a runt."
Knight smiles and also starts mimicking a phone.
"Wiv a Nanny Goat Race like that Rich, I'm bloody well not so sure foghat 'ere escaped any sort of beatin', especially 'round the Nanny Goat Race area."
'Foghat' takes off his trucker cap and stands toe to toe with Knight.
"Who is yo' callin' nanny goat yo' inbred sissy?"
Burton lunges over the bar and grabs 'Foghat' by the lapel, throwing him against the mirror in behind the bar and shattering it in the process. The other customers, getting agitated by the lack of beer flowing down their gullets but oddly exhilarated at the sight of two grown men fighting. Before any of them can get any closer to the bar, Knight steps in and pushes them back while behind him, sounds of bottles smacking heads and fists smacking faces can be heard.
"Nuffink ter see 'ere lads, right, just go hammer and tack to yor seats and a waitress will be over ter take yor orders."
From the mudpit, a loud voice brings the chaos at the bar to a sudden stop.
"Just what the bloody hell is going on here?!? I leave for two seconds and you idiots are thrashing my bar! Again!"
As an answer to this, Foghat comes sailing out over the bar and into the mudpit seating area. Moments later, Burton gets up and wipes glass shards and wood chips off his shirt.
"Hey, Don't Taze Me Bro. Foghat just came at me and I took him out, oldkore style. Ain't that right Bar'?"
Knight shifts around uncomfortably and shrugs.
"No way Rich, yor not bringing me into this. This were yor show all the way frough."
"You calling me a liar you cockney bastard? Cuz if you are..." Burton points to a gold laminated sledgehammer hung up over the bar. "...Betsy's gonna be gunning for ya."
The announcer takes off his sports coat and throws it down on the ground in frustration and begins walking towards the bar area, stepping on Foghat's abdomen in the process.
"This is the last straw you two! Everybody! Out! Refunds at the door!"
The customers grumble but start making their way back towards the ticket booth. Burton shrugs, hops over the bar and starts following them.
"Whatever you say boss man."
The announcer shoves Burton in the chest.
"Where the hell do you think you're going Burton? You and Knight are erp...!"
Burton grabs the announcer by the lapels and lifts him off the ground.
"Did you just threaten me little man?"
The announcer continues squirming in Burton's grasp as Knight moves in to try to diffuse the situation.
"Let 'im dahn Rich, yor gonna cop us fired again and I'm bloody well not about ter go beggin' for me Uncle Bob hammer and tack at the Studly Slice."
The door at the front of the club slams open, nearly coming off its hinges. All three Lady of the Grease employees (some more permanent than others) turn towards the sudden noise in unison.
"We're closed !!!"
A huge man sporting what a appears to be a swat team outfit and large aviator sunglasses steps into the bar. From behind him another man wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt and black jeans steps out.
"Don't think of me as a customer, think of me as your ticket back to the show."
Burton tosses the ring announcer aside and wipes his eyes.
"Hefe? What in the holy hell are you doing here?"
Juan Hefe pulls out two pieces of legal sized paper from his jacket and starts walking towards his former colleagues.
"What I've got here is contracts for you and Barry to come back to Vegas and fight as Sledgehammer Justice again."
Ted Tsavales takes off his sunglasses (!) and also pulls out something from his jacket, a huge bag of candy.
"And that's not all. If you guys come with us, I promise to share my Jelly BellyTM loot with ya!"
Hefe smacks his forehead.
"Lands alive Ted, couldn't you stop with the damn candies for 5 minutes?"
Burton takes the contracts and hands one over to Knight.
"Is this a full time gig Hefe? Bar' and I are pretty busy here at the Lady. Ain't that right Abner?"
Abner picks himself off the ground and gets in Hefe's face.
"Ha! If you think those two clods are going to just up and leave this place without giving me two weeks notice and pay for these damages tonight, you're dreaming in technicolor buddy!"
Hefe wipes the spittle off his face and reaches into his coat again, pulling out a wad of bills.
"Listen, Abner is it? I'm not here to make enemies so take this pile of cash and go away. Sound fair?"
Abner's eyes go round as saucers when he sees the money. Within an instant, he snatches it and is about to start counting when Burton grabs him by the shoulder and turns him toward the bar.
"Before you start counting your blessings Abs, that sledgehammer is mine and I want it. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm asking you for it, I'm going to go and grab it."
Abner nods, his eyes still on the money.
"Yeah sure, whatever you need Rich."
Burton hops up onto the bar and steps one leg over to the shelving behind it, straddling the gap behind the two. With a hard yank, he pulls Betsy off the board and kisses the head, causing more damage to the bar area in the process.
"Now we're talking! Let's get the hell out of here boys!"
Burton jumps off the bar and lands beside Tsavales, who is busy eating his Jelly Belly'sTM.
Knight places a hand on Abner's shoulder and shakes his hand with the other. The LotG manager/announcer doesn't even look up from the wad of cash in his hands.
"It's been a real peach Abner, right? I just wish we could stay 'round ter help yer tidy up."
Hefe and Burton each grab one of Knight's arms and start walking towards the door.
"You know what Barry? Let's just get out of here and let Abner count his money."
"Great idea Hefe, let's get while the getting is good."
The three start walking rapidly out the door when they hear a multitude of Jelly BelliesTM hit the floor.
"My Jelly BelliesTM!"
Hefe turns around and starts pulling on Tsavales' arm to drag him forward.
"Come on Ted, I'll get you some more. Later."
Behind the commotion, Abner has begun counting his money. His face turns into a mask of rage when he realizes that only the top and bottom bills are real money.
"Hey! What the hell are you trying to pull here?"
Knight stops cold and looks at Hefe
"The fake brass trick, then, mate? Is that the Mae West yer could fink of?"
"Finally the brit catches on, let's get out of here!"
But Abner will have none of it. Before anybody can move any further, he pushes a button underneath the bar and seconds later, steel shutters slam down over the open door and all the windows.
"You sad sacks aren't going anywhere. Beeeerthaaaaa!"
Big Bertha rumbles out of the side curtain and cracks her knuckles.
"WHAT IS IT ABNER. I WAS TANNING MY BACKSIDE." The beasts eyes survey the scene and they alight upon Rich Burton's rapidly whitening face. "YOU. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ABNER."
"Nuthin' Bertha I swear!" Burton lifts Betsy in front of him and motions for the rest of his mates to get behind him. "I'll hold her off boys, you make a run for it."
"Yer'd do that for us Rich?"
Before Burton can answer, Big Bertha rumbles forward and grabs Betsy out of his hands.
"Wait Bertha! Wait! Hefe has a contract in Vegas for you too!"
"I do?"
"Work with me here Hefe!"
"Oh! That contract! Yeah, yeah, of course! But it's not on me right now, I left it at my pad in Vegas!"
Tsavales looks up from the floor where he's busy picking up Jelly BelliesTM and popping them in his mouth.
"We do boss?"
"Yes. Ted. We do! And by the way, that is sickening Ted. You have no idea what's been on that floor."
Tsavales shrugs. "Five second rule boss."
Big Bertha shoves aside Burton and stands in front of Hefe.
"ENOUGH TALK. TAKE ME TO MY CONTRACT."
"Okay then, it's been a blast but we have to get motoring Abner!"
Abner slams down the pile of mostly fake cash and stomps his foot down.
"Now wait just a goddamn minute! I still need to get paid for all this damage and the loss of one of my biggest draws!"
"Them be the sh!ts in life Abner, you win some, you lose some. Now. Let us out or Bertha is going to work you over. Bertha?"
Big Bertha takes a single step towards Abner but before anything can happen, the diminutive manager cringes back and quickly pushes another button under another part of the bar. All the steel shutters rise back into their hidey holes.
"Ok, I give, you win."
Hefe claps the defeated man on the back.
"If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a businessmen Abner, is you have to learn how to rebound from defeats. And this here? It's a pretty big defeat. Toodles!"
In the parking lot...
Tsavales is still popping Jelly BelliesTM into his mouth when he stops and starts counting the people in the group.
"Hey boss, we got a problem. Not enough room in our tricked out HyundaiTM Accent."
Bertha pulls out a key chain and points it at a Monster Truck that is sitting in the parking lot. The truck has an elaborate paint job on it featuring Valkiries on the backs of dolphins doing battle with sea beasts.
"NOT A PROBLEM. I GOT MY OWN RIDE."
Tsavales looks upon the truck in the parking a log and begins drooling.
"Can I... Can I ride shotgun?"
"YOUR CHOICE SWEET THING, BUT YOU GOTTA SHARE THOSE. SEE YA LOSERS."
Bertha walks off with Tsavales towards the Monster Truck, leaving Burton, Knight and Hefe alone.
"Rich, I don't have a contract for Bertha. For all I know, she already has a contract with VCW."
"Not my problem Hefe, I just come up with the solutions, I'll leave the implementation to you and Bar'."
"Shotgan!"
