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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 5, 2009 19:14:00 GMT -5
"Filthy" Rich Burton surveys the damage wrought and shakes his head in wonderment.
"This has got to be the biggest scene of debauchery I've ever witnessed! I love it!"
Fab Dan blows by Burton and rushes towards the back of the store.
"Out the way you rotund morsel of filthy delights, daddy's just spotted chocolate penises!"
Ryan Bowdridge, Barry Knight and Juan Hefe enter the store through the hole created by Fab Dan's Cadillac Eldorado. Water leers at the them from the roof, his mouth, face and head covered in chocolate. He clings the remains of his chocolate bunny tight to his chest, away from the three newcomers.
"Stay away! This is my precioussssssssssss! It came to me, my own, my love, my chocolate... my... preciousssss."
"Say Hefe, how long does this melatonin stuff last? Water absolutely hated the Lord of the Rings and now here he is bastardizing quotes from it!"
Hefe shrugs and pulls out the bottle the alligator melatonin came in. He looks at the label and whistles.
"This could be bad."
Barry Knight grabs the bottle and reads the label aloud.
"This drug may shorten yor intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known ter cause birff defects in the user retroactively. Passin' in front of TV may cause the James Dean ter move. Cows often feel a loss of libido, right, includin' a two-octave lowerin' of the voice, right, an increase in ankle 'air, right, and peraps the chuffin' lowerin' of a testicle. Discontinue use immediately if yer feel that yor teeff are receivin' radio broadcasts. Yer may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, right, but we are actively seekin' a cure, init?Bloated fingertips on the heart-side 'and are common. Wen finished wiv the dosage, be sure ter allow plenty of "quiet time" in order ter retrain the eye ter move off stationary objects. Right. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the chuffin' user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if frown overboard, right, contact yor..."
Bowdridge swats the bottle away.
"Jesus! And he drank the whole thing?!?"
"Like a hero of legend."
"Water is going to be a legend if we don't get him to a doctor immediately!"
Just then, Ted Tsavales leaps into action, bowling Water over and onto his back. After a long and hard struggle, Ted Tsavales finally manages to pry open Water's mouth and inserts a powdery substance in it. Immediately, Water recoils and attempts to spit out the foul substance but Tsavales clamps his mouth shut.
"A little help here! I gotta keep his mouth shut!"
Fab Dan leaps into action, whipping a ball gag out of the back seat of his car. After another brief strugle, Fab Dan secures the ball gag on Water whose eyes start (IT'S PEANUT BUTTER PUNNING TIME) watering. After another few tense seconds, Water collapses and starts snoring on the floor of the candy store. Bowdridge rushes to his side and gives Ted an accusatory glare.
"What the hell have you done to him! He's completely out of it!"
Ted gets up off the floor and shakes Fab Dan's hand.
"I gave him some crushed ether bombs, and thanks to our big leather clad friend here, he should be sedated for the next thirty minutes. Enough time to get us out of here at least."
Tyler Marx wanders out of an aisle, his clothes completely dishevelled, his face a mask of pure ecstasy.
"Guess what I found guys?"
"Jesus?"
Marx lifts up a bag of red and green Jelly BelliesTM.
"Better. Alligator and Buffalo Melatonin Jelly Bellies! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!"
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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 6, 2009 17:29:07 GMT -5
"Filthy" Rich Burton sidles up next to Tyler Marx and starts walking him towards the bus. As he reaches the steps of the bus, he glances back towards the other VCW personel still in the candy store.
"Come on you buffoons! Get Water on the bus and let's blow this pop stand before Marx here goes completely bananas!"
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Post by RyanBow412 on Apr 6, 2009 19:21:39 GMT -5
Ryan looks at Water, who is now unconscious. He tries to lift the behemoth, but barely gets him to move. He sees Ted walking by, his fanny pack now bulging with sweets of all kinds and stops him.
"Hey, Ted, can you give me a hand with Water here? I swear, he must've gained like 10 pounds from the candy here."
"Ok!"
Ryan and Ted have a little difficulty, but get him to the stairs to get onto the bus.
"Are we gonna be able to carry him up there?"
"Probably not."
"What should we do?"
Ryan thinks for a second, then grabs Water's left arm and leg.
"Grab his right side and we'll throw him in on three."
"That'll work!"
Ted grabs Water and they swing him back for each count.
"One..."
"Two..."
"THREE!"
They throw Water onto the bus and climb on, letting the driver proceed on to the next location.
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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 7, 2009 18:18:48 GMT -5
The bus takes off like a rocket, driven by the now thoroughly annoyed and aggravated bus driver. "GAH! NEXT TIME SOMEONE TOUCHES MY STEERING WHEEL, I'M SERIOUSLY CAUSING ALL OF YOU GREAT BODILY HARM! GAH!"Sitting in the seat behind the driver Juan Hefe answers his cell phone which is ringing and buzzing furiously. "Hefe here. Yeah. He's where? Tonight?!? Ok, just delay him any which way possible, I've got lots of backup with me here. Yeah. Ok. Good."Hefe snaps his phone shut and smiles to Rich Burton who is sitting beside him. "Good news Hefe?""The very best. Can we take another detour Rich?"Burton pulls out his itinerary and crumples it up. "Yeah. We are about 4 hours behind schedule and it's almost three a.m. Where we going?""The Circus Circus casino. A business opportunity has just popped up there and I intend to take full advantage of it."Ryan Bowdridge pops his head over the back of the seat. "Hey guys, where to next? Water is just coming out of his stupor and he looks like he's ready for action."Hefe rubs his hands together diabolically. "That's great news Ryan. Is he also in a foul mood?"Bowdridge nods. "Oh yeah. He's coming off the equivalent of a three day bender I'd say. Why?"Hefe pulls out a polaroid featuring a masked behemoth giving the world a crotch chop. "This is Mr. Bojangles, a known felon and he's been spotted at the Circus Circus. I intend to bring him in to justice. You game?"
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Post by RyanBow412 on Apr 7, 2009 18:29:11 GMT -5
Ryan stares at the photo for a second.
"So what, are you a bounty hunter or something?"
Hefe nods.
"Well, I'm game. And I'm pretty sure Water is too."
Ar this point, Water has stumbled towards the group and snatches the photo from Ryan.
"Who's this fruit cup?"
"Mr. Bojangles. He's a felon and we're taking him in. You game?"
"One condition: I get a share of the loot."
Hefe ponders the proposal before replying.
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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 7, 2009 18:47:19 GMT -5
"Well that depends on one thing Water."
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
Hefe pulls out what appears to be a license and raises it so everyone around can see.
"A bounty hunting license. If you don't have one, it would be illegal for you to get any money back for a bounty."
Burton grabs the license and takes a close look at it.
"This looks like it's been photoshop'd! It's a complete fake!"
Ted Tsavales walks over from his seat and pulls out his license.
"Is not Rich! I got one myself and I sure as heck know it isn't a fake!"
"Oh yeah? Who gave it to you?"
"Mr. Hefe."
Water grabs the license from Tsavales.
"Give that back!"
"This one's as fake as Hefe's!"
Water tosses the card back to Tsavales and turns his attention back to Hefe
"So what's it going to be Hefe? You want back-up or not? Cuz if you do, it's gonna cost you."
Hefe sighs deeply and pockets his fake bounty hunting license.
"Fine. You guys can share in the 'loot'."
"Woooh! Time to kick some keister just in time for Easter!"
Bowdridge and Burton get up and commandeer the bus from the aggravated bus driver.
"To the Circus Circus! This night could not get any better if it tried!"
The bus is about ten minutes away from the circus themed casino when the police sirens start blaring behind them. Burton runs to the back of the bus, his face whitening when he sees a long line of police lights coming straight for them at top speed. He runs back up to the driver's seat.
"Hey Ryan, you hear those cops behind us?"
"Yeah, you want I should slow down?"
"Nah, I was just checking to see if your hearing was still ok."
A long pause.
"Stop the bus you idiot!"
Bowdridge slams on the brakes, sending the bus into a dangerous drift. After a few stupendously skillful driving moves, the bus skids to a stop on the shoulder of the road. Burton ruffles Bowdridge's hair.
"Nice piece of driving kid, now you settle down the mob back there and let me do the talking."
Burton is about to step off the bus when all of the cruisers roar past, none of them the least bit interested in the bus.
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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 7, 2009 18:58:00 GMT -5
"What now?"
"Follow those cops! They must be after my bounty!"
"Ahem."
"Ok, ok, OUR bounty. Drive! Drive!"
Bowdridge slams on the gas, sending everyone who was standing ass over tea kettle. Barry Knight stumbles to the front, his eyes bleary with fatigue.
"Wot the bloody hell is gahn on up 'ere! Blimey! Are we comin' or gahn?"
"Going! Hold on tight! Here comes the Circus Circus parking lot entrance!"
In a horrifying moment, the bus charges over a hidden abutment and goes airborne, flying clear over the last row of cars in the parking lot and coming to a crashing halt against a light post. Everything is quiet on the bus until Tyler Marx, finally feeling the full effects of the hundreds of alligator and buffalo melatonin Jelly BelliesTM gets up and tears off his pants.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WAITING FOR! LET'S GO TO THE CIRCUS!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA"
The crowd in the bus watches Marx dive straight through one of the bus windows, land on his feet and continue on in manic sprint towards the Circus Circus casino. Burton opens the bus doors and starts walking down.
"Come on you pansies, the bounty awaits!"
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Post by Juan Hefe on Apr 7, 2009 20:01:35 GMT -5
The Circus Circus is a madhouse even in the early, early, EARLY hours of the morning and a crowd of unruly wresters way past their bedtimes does not appease the situation in any way. Juan Hefe walks first into the bedlam, attempting to quickly locate his querry, the elusive Mr. Bojangles. Hefe turns to the group behind him and pulls on his trusted lieutenant's sleeve.
"Ted, get to some high ground, see if you can't find Bojangles quickly."
Before Ted can respond, he is hoisted up in the air by a pair of muscular arms, belonging to none other than "Fabulous" Dan Francisco!
"Never mind the high vantage point dahrling! The thrill of the chase has given me enough adrenaline to go all night, all day and then all night again!"
Tsavales shifts uncomfortably in Fab Dan's molesting grab.
"I can't see him anywhere boss! It's like he's cloaked!"
Water points to Mr. Bojangles who is standing at the Circus Circus bar, less than ten feet away.
"His cloaking device is busted you moron, he's right there! Let's get 'im!"
The VCW mob rushes forward, eager to destroy someone, something, anything at this point in their tumultuous night. Burton gets their first, nailing Bojangles from behind with a devastating low blow... that has no effect!
"What the..."
Bojangles turns and grabs Burton by the throat, lifting him up off his feet. Barry Knight attempts the same strategy as his tag-team partner, nailing Bojangles with another low-blow, this time from the front. Again, Bojangles is unfased and grabs Knight by the throat, lifting him up from the ground as well. With a mighty heave, Bojangles tosses both his attackers over the bar and into a shelf holding dozens of bottles liquor. Stunned by this turn of events, the rest of the VCW mob holds back.
"Fools! You come here thinking that I will be an easy bounty? Thinking that I will meakly go with you and submit to the lawgivers of this land?"
"Keeeeeeeee AIIIII!!!"
Water rushes in and lands a left roundhouse kick to the side of Bojangles's head that barely stuns the big man.
"Well, I gave you a bit of Law, now how about little bit of Order!"
Water launches another roundhouse kick, this time with the right leg that is easily caught by Mr. Bojangles.
"Your complete ineptitude amuses me! Now, prepare to feel the pain!"
Mr. Bojangles, still holding Water's leg, spins and whips him into the bar.
Bowdridge looks on in horror and turns to Hefe.
"What next? That dude looks pretty much indestructible."
Hefe shrugs.
"You win some, you lose some. This looks like one we're going to lose."
"No wonder you suck at business! Check this out!"
Bowdridge runs for the police officers in full S.W.A.T. gear who are now swarming into the Circus Circus casino just as Napalm and Chaos begin an assault upon the human fortress that is Mr. Bojangles.
"Officers! Come quick! This madman stalker has been ruining our entire night! Chasing us down and destroying property as if he was one of us!"
The lead police officer lifts up his riot helmet face plate and spits out a thick wad of chewing tobacco.
"And who is us?"
Bowdridge puffs out his chest.
"VCW!"
"Ok son, you get out of the way and we are going to clear this up later. We've been chasing this maniac down for four days now, and he can't go anywhere now!"
The S.W.A.T. team moves past Bowdridge and walk closer to the scene of carnage by the bar, surrounding it completely. One of the officers pulls out a megaphone.
"STAND DOWN! YOU ARE COMPLETELY SURROUNDED!"
Mr. Bojangles looks up from the ground, where he has just finished powerbombing both members of Mass Destruction after a brutal battle.
"Never! I am the Overlord! I am the Supreme One!"
"Sir! Look out!"
The officer with the megaphone attempts to warn Mr. Bojangles but it is too late, a black and white blur leaps over the bar and lands on top of his head. Like a wolverine in a demonic frenzy, the blur attacks Mr. Bojangles, reducing him to a broken mass of steroid enhanced muscles and bones in under a minute. With his prey downed, the blur settles down to a speed that can be captured by the human eye. It's Mini Frias! Ted Tsavales cowers behind Hefe.
"Batten down the hatches boss! We're being invaded by halfling hordes!"
Mini Frias turns his evil gaze to Tsavales but before he can move another muscle, all 15 police officers open fire with their tazers. The air goes cloudy with smoke from multiple electric fires but the beast is finally subdued, Mini Frias has been captured!
Three police officers walk over to Mini Frias and shackle his hands, feet and neck.
Hefe walks over to the officer who appears to be in charge of everything.
"So this whole time, you guys were after that midget?"
"I wouldn't call him that to his face sir."
"No, of course not. But what about Bojangles?"
"What about him? The ambulance is coming over to take him to the hospital."
Bowdridge steps in front of Hefe
"We can take him! To the hospital I mean."
"What? Oh! Yeah! We can take him to the hospital officer. No problem."
"You fellas sure?"
"Yup! Leave everything to us!"
The officer clicks on his CB radio.
"Cancel the ambulance. We have some good samaritans here who are going to take the victim over to the hospital for us."
The officer turns to Bowdridge and shakes his hand.
"You're doing the city of Las Vegas a great service tonight citizen! Keep up the good work!"
The officer turns around and joins the rest of his squad as they lead their captive away to jail. Hefe turns to Bowdridge and shakes his hand.
"That was quick thinking Ryan! Now let's get that monster over to the bail bondsman before he comes to!"
Tyler Marx goes running past them, wearing nothing but his briefs and shoes. Moments later, "Fabulous" Dan Francisco runs by as well, his shirt torn off and his hair dishevelled.
"Come back here my darling!"
"BUSINESS REPLY MAIL!!!!"
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Post by RyanBow412 on Apr 8, 2009 19:17:10 GMT -5
The Next Morning....Water awoke in a stupor, his vision blurry and dark behind his glasses. He gains his bearings and looks around. He's in a hotel bathroom, lying next to a tub, and a wad of money on his left, and he doesn't have a shirt on. Immediately he searches his body for stitches, worrying he might have sold his kidney for money. When he was stitch free, it all comes back to him. He grabs the money and under it is a note, written in clean penmanship. "Here's your take. You passed out on the way back from the Circus Circus. You were screaming something about gremlins on the wing. We got scared and just dropped you off at a hotel. G'night.
-Juan Hefe"
He finds his shirt on the bed, puts it on, and heads out the door. On his way out the parking lot, he sneezes and a red Jelly BellyTM flies out of his nose. He stares at it for a second, before laughing hysterically. He tosses it over his shoulder and hails a cab to take him home. Meanwhile...Ryan wakes up on the couch of his apartment, the TV still on. He sits up and suddenly feels a sharp pain in his head. He jumps off the couch to see Shaunna with a kendo stick, slightly cracked. "What the hell was that for?!" "For not calling and telling me where you were! I was worried sick all night! You better get used to that couch, 'cause you're sleeping there for a while."She walks back into the bedroom, leaving Ryan dumbfounded.
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